A nice joke I found circulating around ...

[naeron]

Programmer to Team Leader:

"We can't do this proposed project.**CAN NOT**. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take these type of projects."

Team Leader to Project Manager :

"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature."

Project Manager to 1st Level Manager :

"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it."

1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager :

"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project,but with caution."

Senior Level Manager to CEO :

"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodelling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the
necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances."

CEO to Client :

"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame.

 

[Andy Nguyen]

Programmer to Team Leader: "We can't do this proposed project.**CAN NOT**.

CEO to Client : "This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame.

:D :D :smt044
Thanks Nalin, this makes my day. Have you been in this situation before ? It's absolutely true that there is a big gap in reality and "lost in translation" between the top level and the ones who actually doing the work.

I want more programmer jokes

 

[naeron]

Sure when I will find any more such jokes which are worth posting i will send them across... hehehhe

this is so true in big corporations..hehehe

 

[Bridgett]

Love it! Expect more to come, Nalin :D

 

[RussianMike]

This happens in all large organizations. This is why smaller firms are more entrepreneurial. i.e. hedge funds vs I-banks

 

[Andy Nguyen]

TOP TEN LIES FINANCE PROFESSORS TELL THEIR STUDENTS

1. Don't sweat that poor grade on your midterm. I am certain that you'll do much better on the final.
2. Come by my office any time. I'm always available.
3. You can make a killing as a stockbroker.
4. Don't worry if you can't remember that formula. The main thing on the test is that you grasp the intuition.
5. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
6. If you come to all the lectures, you'll do just fine.
7. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.
8. What's your problem? Any moron can understand bond pricing models.
9. Don't worry about that final grade. No one will care anyway.
10. Of course, I make a lot investing. I only teach so I can help young people.

 

[Andy Nguyen]

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think he/she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

 

[Andy Nguyen]

Finance terms and definitions

[FONT=Verdana, Arial][/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial] Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E Ratio -The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.
Broker - Poorer than we were in 1999.
"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
Standard & Poor - Our life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded our stock.
Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow - The movement our money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.
Cisco - Sidekick of Pancho.
Yahoo - What we yell after selling it to some poor sucker for US$240 per share.
Windows XP - What we jump out of when we're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.
Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.
Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.
Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.
Alan Greenspan - God
[/FONT]

 

[Andy Nguyen]

Financial Media Expressions And What They Really Mean

March 19, 2002
WALL STREET JOURNAL
GETTING GOING By JONATHAN CLEMENTS

Cigarettes come with health warnings. Maybe financial journalists should, too.

In recent years, I have done a handful of columns where I took phrases frequently heard on Wall Street and then offered my translation for what those comments really mean. Along the way, I have poked fun at brokers, market strategists, money managers and ordinary investors.

But why stop there? Often, financial journalists also fail to say what they really mean. Examples? Consider the 25 comments below, variations of which often appear in the media. The list was put together with help from investment experts William Bernstein, Kevin Bernzott, Meir Statman and Alan Weiss.


"The banking community is divided": We called two sources and got different opinions.

"A spokesman for the state securities commission declined to comment, citing its ongoing investigation": Which got started when we called the agency and asked whether investigators were looking at the issue.

"Ms. Smith, who isn't involved in the lawsuit, says the late-day announcement is good news for the plaintiff": We were on deadline, and nobody was picking up the phone, so we called Ms. Smith instead.

"A company spokeswoman declined to comment": But off the record, we got an earful from the executive vice president.

"Experts are still trying to untangle the legal issues involved": We talked to three lawyers, and we still don't understand what's going on.

"The euro set new lows for the session on signs of a U.S. economic rebound": We haven't the slightest inkling what the connection is between the euro and the U.S. economy. But there has to be some explanation for the currency's tumble.

"Stocks are expected to open lower on Monday": Sure, we're right only half the time. But Sammy Sosa would kill for that sort of batting average.

"Considered one of Wall Street's most iconoclastic strategists, Mr. Wharton predicts the Dow Jones Industrial Average will plunge below 5000": Sure, the guy is off his rocker. But he makes great copy.

"Bond prices fell in anticipation of higher interest rates": Or maybe interest rates rose in anticipation of lower bond prices. How could we possibly know? We majored in English.

"Many investors fear there's more stock-market carnage to come": Everybody in the newsroom is totally freaked out.

"Want to become a millionaire? Try our five-step program": With enough time, a high savings rate and outsize investment returns, we can assume our way to anything.

"Looking for big gains in the year ahead? Here are seven stocks that are set to sizzle": Reader amnesia is our best friend.

"While many small investors have suffered big losses recently, few can rival the dismal record of Mr. Warren, who owns just three stocks -- Kmart, Enron and Global Crossing": Can you believe this guy agreed to speak to us? It's amazing what people will tell the press.

"Jim and Betty Hancock, shown in the accompanying photograph, began diligently saving for college soon after their first child was born": Actually, the Hancocks seem to spend most of their spare time at the local mall. But they sure photograph well.
"Like thousands of other investors, Wendy Evans was badly burned by last month's partnership debacle": You wouldn't believe how many calls we had to make and how many Internet bulletin boards we had to scour before we found this woman.
"Here are our 10 funds to buy now": One will be a great performer, seven will be mediocre and two will be total dogs. But which is which? You will have to figure that out on your own.

"See our list of last year's top-performing mutual funds": Which may be useful if you are the kind of person who drives using only the rearview mirror.

"Many investors ignore costs when picking mutual funds. But that can be a big mistake": First, we make an unsubstantiated claim about investor behavior. Then, we argue that these folks are foolish. Ah, sometimes there's no sweeter scent than a straw man burning.

"Indeed, if you had blindly bought into the prior year's hottest sector, you wouldn't have made any money over the past decade, once you figure in inflation, taxes and trading costs": We tortured the data base until it confessed.

"The fund's risk-adjusted performance is among the best in the growth-and-income category": Its raw performance stinks.

"Despite the fund's dazzling record, analysts say it should account for only a small portion of your portfolio": If you stick any money in this fund, don't blame us.

"The fund's recent performance reads like a chapter out of a Stephen King novel": When we were kids, we used to pull the legs off spiders.

"Last quarter's top-performing fund manager thinks further gains lie ahead": Remember what we said about ignoring short-term performance? Scratch that.

"The fund's manager avoids swinging for the fences, instead aiming to hit singles and doubles": Maybe the sports page has some openings.

"Today's boardroom Sturm und Drang left many observers with a sense of déjà vu": And if the foreign editor asks, tell her our Italian is also pretty good.

 

[Urszula]

PRIME NUMBERS


Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.

Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.

Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime,...

Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...

Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime,...

Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can,...

Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release,...

Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet,...

Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...

Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime,...

Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.

Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers: 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime...

Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime,...

Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it,...